Daughters of Anarchy

Today while I was driving to work there was a motorcycle rider in front of me for many miles.. I noticed that everytime another motorcyclist passed on the opposite lane they acknowledged each other. They did not wave, they just lowered there hand and stuck it out a little bit. I observed this 3 different times while he was in front of me. I thought how cool is that.. they have like a brotherhood... they feel each other and know what each goes through as a motorcyclist. They have alot in common like the thrill of the ride, or wind in their hair and the feeling of freedom.. they also have the downside of drivers not seeing them in their mirrors, bugs in their teeth, and wearing leather and helmet on a hot California day. They were not prejudice as far as only Harley riders acknowledged each other. The
My favorite show ever is "Sons of Anarchy" . Probably for some of the reasons I stated above. The connection they have to each other and the compassion they have (even though it is criminal and anarchist) with each other.
So I believe that all of us women, that have suffered and are suffering withe "Pause" (shhhhh menopause") or if you have someone near and dear to you that is going through the "Pause" and feel the repercussions and ramifications of it. We should feel the comradery and compassion of the road and journey we are on.
Yesterday at work, the air conditioner was set and running 70 degrees. Nice comfortable temperature. I looked around and noticed 3 women with their own personal fans blowing directly on them and then there were 2 other women with their sweaters on.... ummmm! As for me, my personal fan was on high blowing right at my sweaty forehead... everyday...all day..8 hours.
Then on my chair I have an old sweater draped across my chair... just in case!
Wouldn't it be cool if we had a way to acknowledge each other..like the motorcyclists acknowledge each other.. How about a secret handshake? Nah.. How about a wink?...Nah..
I think the title "Daughters of Anarchy" is perfect... We are a breed of our own, travelling a new road and journey in our life.. and our bodies are just reaking Anarchy on us right now.. So I feel you Sister and as a Daughter of Anarchy.. I can't wait to see what's down the road and get to the end of the journey ... What's on the other side of this Anarchy?

"The Other Side of Life"

Would you like to know a secret just between you and me
I don't know where I'm going next, I don't know who I'm gonna be
But that's the other side of this life I've been leading
That's the other side of this life.

Well my whole world's in an uproar, my whole world's upside down
I don"t know where I'm going next, but I'm always bumming around
And that's another side to this life I've been leading
And that's another side to this life

Well I don't know what doing for half the time, I don't know where I'm going
I think I'll get me a sailing boat and sail the Gulf of Mexico
But that's another side of this life I've been leading
And that's another side of this life

Well I think I'll go to Nashville down in Tennesse
The ten cent life I've been leading here gonna be the death of me
But that's the other side of this life I've been leading
And that's another side to this life

Would you like to know a secret just between you and me
I don't know where I'm going next, I don't know who I'm gonna be
But that's the other side of this life I've been leading
But that's the other side of this life.

Lyrics to Jefferson's Airplane "The Other Side of this Life"

That is what I feel like right now... Which side of life am I on. Kind of in limbo..
In a state of flux... Don't know where I am going next.
I was talking to a family member the other day and she said she liked my diary. Why did I choose this subject? I told her that I thought that there just had to be something more to this. A deeper meaning... or change or ...
I have answer now. I am curious to find out what is on the other side of this life. What is in store for me after all this craziness, and side effects etc. are gone. I want to know. I hope that I am wiser, and less anxious and learn to look forward to everyday and handle all situations with grace and dignity. I want to teach my daughter and my grand-daughter not to be afraid of what is to come, as a woman.... to embrace it and learn from it and be wise in the end of it all.
I do believe I am on a journey to another side of life. Just a real bumpy road getting there... God sure lets us know that a change is coming.

"Would you like to know a secret just between you and me
I don't know where I'm going next, I don't know who I'm gonna be
But that's the other side of this life I've been leading"

We are only promised this here and now.

Last night my other half got his feelings hurt by my curt response to a question he asked. I did not even realize that I had said it and no intention of being curt. I have noticed that about myself, as life goes on. I seem to say things without thought and sometimes am surprised on what I say. But I am finding it is really what was on my mind and sometimes in my heart. I just have an easier time saying it now. No buffers. Ummmmm... I kind of like it. Don't get me wrong, I don't like hurting peoples feelings, but now I am finally saying what I feel, instead of making everything nice and rosy. So now I just need to tone it down a bit, or not. But where does this come from and why now? Why not before? I think about that I wonder, alot of things would have been different for me if I did not care so much, or if I was a little more curt sometimes or if I had the mind set to say what was really on my mind. But now, for whatever reason, I am able to do so.. I have no what if's on my mind, no ache in my heart, or could of would of, should of thoughts.
Maybe peri-menopause or "The Pause" symptoms comes at the wrong time in life. If this would have happened to me earlier....who knows what route my life would have taken.
But I am here at this crossroad, I really like this journey... don't understand it... but I guess that is the fun of it. But this I have learned...Do not wait to speak what is on your mind or in your heart. So if I haven't told you lately I appreciate you, I do. I care what you think, I honor our friendship and cherish my family. We are only promised this here and now....

Counting Stars

This last week was Spring break for my grandchildren. I had the immense honor of spending everyday with them. My daughter would drop them off early morning and the fun would begin and memories made. They would not settle for cereal in the morning as they would say " you are the Grandma, you need to cook us something" so we always started with an awesome breakfast. I live on a property that has quite a few acres of land and very rural and there is a running creek in front of my house . So needless to say we hiked the hillsides(we all have our favorite walking sticks) and actually ran into a king snake, we played in the creek for hours. We caught alot of bugs, some frogs and a couple of small fish and kept them for awhile in old butter containers and coffee cans.. Lots of rocks added to my collection We were bit by plenty of bugs and we figured out the mud from the creek would soothe our bites for awhile. We were scared to death of touching the stinging nettle plants and the poison oak.. We ate wild celery from the creekside and made boats out of leaves, bark and celery string and had boat races. We played on the lawn in the front yard and ran through the sprinkler with the boom box blasting in the background. Planted their first flower garden and figured out quick they do not like pulling weeds. My favorite was laying on an old sheet on the lawn and looking at the sky while we were talking and cracking up.

At the end of the day would have a Tea party or Teef party as the three year old grandson says. The menu would consist of mint tea, cookies and fresh fruit. The tea was served on my front deck, I used the linens given to me by my Grandma and I used the Violet flowered tea set I bought at the Thrift store. I tried to teach them to take their time and savor the tea and the refreshments and the company of each other and savor the moment. I know that I savored every moment...

You know we all have times in our lives that are dear and special to us, that we will always remember. This last week is one of those times for me. Those memories you go back to in your mind and bring a smile to your face and gleam in your eye and good ache in your heart.

One of the effects of the pause (menopause) that does not bother me and I actually can tolerate well is the effect of daydreaming, blank looking face, seem not to be there, staring off into nowhere in the middle of a conversation or working. If you must know the truth my mind is somewhere, it is at a moment in time where I choose it to be. A savored picture or memory or feeling from a past or present time. My true love asks me all the time " Are you off counting stars again?" Yes my love.... I am off counting stars again, but please don't let it upset you or worry you. Too be honest off counting stars is a very nice place to be. I love you!

The Effects

Wow!!! Is all I can say about my response I received on my inagural blog. Thank you for all responses and advice and love offered.
Let me explain why I started this blog/journal... I am 51 years old and damn proud of it. I have earned and paid for every year I have been on this Earth... I am not scared of growing older, I want to embrace whatever is to come in my life and savor it all. However... when I am just beginning to go through these changes mentally and await the next stage of my life along comes the "True Change of Life" .. So now what the Hell!
I am 51 years old and proud to say it. I am not the new "40" or the new anything. I feel that the "The Change of Life" is not for me, I listen to Jimi Hendrix, Rage against the Machine. I wear Levi's and tank tops and wear Cobian sandals. I can dance my ass to most music and I don't care who is watching. I love the UFC (Chuck Liddell), Chargers Football and Nascar (#48) Jimmie Johnson.. and Yankees Baseball. I can shoot tequila with the best of them and I make a mean cup of tea.... I have hiked miles in a Rain Forest in Puerto Rico, swam in the Atlantic & Carribean Ocean in the same day (50th birthday present from my sweet man) I look forward to going back to the Grand Canyon with my man and hike Bright Angel Trail and camp under the stars. To whiteraft on the Mighty Colorado River and then some day camp under the Great Redwoods and Sequoias. Returning to Puerto Rico and exploring the other side of the RainForest and learning to snorkel .drinking lots of Rum and eating Mofongo.
I by no means have given up or am sad about what is going on inside me. I just want to understand it. Why ? How long? When? What the Hell?
Why am I sweating so profusely and no one else around me is? Why do I just blurt out whatever is on my mind and am shocked as hell after I said it? One minute I am happy as a clam , the next I am bawling like a baby..
Why is my skin changing? Why does my make up look different on me? I have no patience whatsoever.... I forget where I have parked my car, what I was going to the refrigerator for, why I came into this room... Where the Hell are my keys? Charging my cell phone are you kidding?
What is this poison that wells up inside of me? Where are these tears coming from ?
I have lit a million candles, drank hot tea and practiced yoga and walked till my feet are blistered... sorry but it did not help. I will still do this though cause if you know me that is me... Candles, tea and Patchouli.
Am I supposed to be learning something from this experience? Is this a form of purgatory ? When all this is over and " The Change of Life" has taken place will I be different.. Is this where I find wisdom and maybe some common sense?
Thanks for your love and support. Please follow my blog and my journey so I do not feel like I am in this alone. Comments appreciated. Click the envelope below.
Today I continue my quest for wisdom and common sense.. The Pause and Effects of it all..

"The Pause"

Definition of "The Pause" - a cessation of activity because of doubt or uncertainty; a momentary hesitation...This term came about lovingly and laughingly to describe myself at this time and stage of my life and those dear ones that are living through it with me. The term "The Pause" is used as term of explanation of my momentary cessations of brain activity, daydreaming, lapses of judgment and every ache and pain you can imagine. It is the only explanation I can give to my very patient and loving fiancee' for my actions or lack of . All I have to tell him is with my shoulders shrugged is " The Pause" and that is explanation enough. I am 51 years old and very menopausal.
It has taken me quite awhile to be able to even acknowledge the word, or the thought of 'The Pause" (menopause) in relation to myself or my world as I knew it. That word is for old ladies, grey hair, polyester pants, AARP card holder, rocking chairs.........
Definition in the dictionary of menopause- noun Physiology.
1.
the period of permanent cessation of menstruation, usually occurring between the ages of 45 and 55.

I wish it was as simple as the description makes it sound.
But I feel that I am in for quite a journey, including my loved ones that will be on this wild ride with me. Please any and all input, advice,guidance etc. will be appreciated and read and taken with a grain of salt. Join me on this journey in my life and the paths it will take me on. I have to be honest I am scared to death and excited... Explain that ! (shoulders shrugged) "The Pause"

Sandy