Last night my other half got his feelings hurt by my curt response to a question he asked. I did not even realize that I had said it and no intention of being curt. I have noticed that about myself, as life goes on. I seem to say things without thought and sometimes am surprised on what I say. But I am finding it is really what was on my mind and sometimes in my heart. I just have an easier time saying it now. No buffers. Ummmmm... I kind of like it. Don't get me wrong, I don't like hurting peoples feelings, but now I am finally saying what I feel, instead of making everything nice and rosy. So now I just need to tone it down a bit, or not. But where does this come from and why now? Why not before? I think about that I wonder, alot of things would have been different for me if I did not care so much, or if I was a little more curt sometimes or if I had the mind set to say what was really on my mind. But now, for whatever reason, I am able to do so.. I have no what if's on my mind, no ache in my heart, or could of would of, should of thoughts.
Maybe peri-menopause or "The Pause" symptoms comes at the wrong time in life. If this would have happened to me earlier....who knows what route my life would have taken.
But I am here at this crossroad, I really like this journey... don't understand it... but I guess that is the fun of it. But this I have learned...Do not wait to speak what is on your mind or in your heart. So if I haven't told you lately I appreciate you, I do. I care what you think, I honor our friendship and cherish my family. We are only promised this here and now....
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
You Too!
The more I write and speak of my "change of life" journey, friends, family and people I barely know have been very encouraging and have some tidbit of advice or a hug saying I will be ok.
I know that I will be ok.. but I am on a search I know there has to be more to this .. Thus the name "Change of Life" I feel mine changing and morphing into a different chapter of my life.
The symptoms and effects of "the Pause" are only a part of it I believe...
A few people have come up to me or written and said "you too" you feel like this or that, so do I !
I thought I was the only one, I thought there was something wrong with me, I would cry at the drop of a hat or snap someones head off or start sweating when no one else was, feel anxious when all is ok in my life. I have found that I am not the only one.. I am not crazy!
One thing I have noticed is that now my life has quieted down some, at least from the stand point of raising kids and sports and band practice , now they are doing it with their babies. I have more time on my hands and more time on my mind... thus the old demons and poison or bad things that happened along time ago are percolating and trying to boil over. I had to suppress cuz I had no time for me to deal with, or I did not want too. They are trying their best to present themselves again... this time I have time and I am grown and a little more mature ... I think I will slay these demons now one by one as the strong woman I am and have always been... Its in my blood, it is inherited from many beautiful women in my family and in my life... let the poison spill out and the demons present there self and open the ugly closet with the skeletons.
My Grandson Sammie is 3 yrs. old and I have a little compass on my keychain I picked up somewhere, he asked me "What is this Grandma?" I said " it is a compass so we don't get lost buddy boy" then he stated with a very comforting voice " don't be scared Grandma...were not lost we are at Sonia's " So I will remember this when I feel blue, or demons feel like they are winning or life is overwhelming "Don't be scared Grandma we are not lost" Thanks Buddy Boy Grandma is not scared!
I know that I will be ok.. but I am on a search I know there has to be more to this .. Thus the name "Change of Life" I feel mine changing and morphing into a different chapter of my life.
The symptoms and effects of "the Pause" are only a part of it I believe...
A few people have come up to me or written and said "you too" you feel like this or that, so do I !
I thought I was the only one, I thought there was something wrong with me, I would cry at the drop of a hat or snap someones head off or start sweating when no one else was, feel anxious when all is ok in my life. I have found that I am not the only one.. I am not crazy!
One thing I have noticed is that now my life has quieted down some, at least from the stand point of raising kids and sports and band practice , now they are doing it with their babies. I have more time on my hands and more time on my mind... thus the old demons and poison or bad things that happened along time ago are percolating and trying to boil over. I had to suppress cuz I had no time for me to deal with, or I did not want too. They are trying their best to present themselves again... this time I have time and I am grown and a little more mature ... I think I will slay these demons now one by one as the strong woman I am and have always been... Its in my blood, it is inherited from many beautiful women in my family and in my life... let the poison spill out and the demons present there self and open the ugly closet with the skeletons.
My Grandson Sammie is 3 yrs. old and I have a little compass on my keychain I picked up somewhere, he asked me "What is this Grandma?" I said " it is a compass so we don't get lost buddy boy" then he stated with a very comforting voice " don't be scared Grandma...were not lost we are at Sonia's " So I will remember this when I feel blue, or demons feel like they are winning or life is overwhelming "Don't be scared Grandma we are not lost" Thanks Buddy Boy Grandma is not scared!
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