Since my last post my world has tremendously changed. 3 days after Christmas 2009 I fled my home and world as I knew it with only the clothes on my back and a backpack of stuff quickly thrown together.
To make a long story short I was fleeing from a very abusive relationship.
This day I do not know why was the ending point or starting point however I choose to see it. I lived with my true love I believed to be, for 5 years.
I suffered 5 years of physical, emotional and mental abuse. I am not writing this to ask for pity. I have begun a new life and new journey and I am stronger for it. Don't get me wrong, I still suffer from nightmares, anxiety and all that other stuff. But I am taking steps to move on and move forward that is the part I am proud of.
My message in this is to my family, friends and loved ones that stood by me.
They suffer right along with the victim while this is going on. Often times not understanding. Most people say " Well she deserves it she keeps going back or she is still there" or " She must like the punishment"
Or some people turn their back on you because of the abusive relationship you are in and do not want part of it.
Let me explain so maybe more people will understand. Most abusers do not show their true colors until a relationship has been established. By that time you are in love, made financial commitments together, set up a home or made plans for the future.
After the abusive episode, the abuser is very concillatory and contrite and begs your forgiveness and is very loving and attentive. Literally, back to the man you fell in love. So you forgive and believe they will change. Then the cycle begins.....
After a couple eruptions of violence and suffering abuse and trauma from who you thought is your true love.... Your spirit begins to die and fade...
you take it... you give up... your ashamed.. you do whatever you can to prevent it from happening again. Constantly walking on egg shells.
Your spirit is fading, your soul is shattered...your ego is the size of an ant and you are ashamed. You literally do not have the strength or the will to make a change or move on.. You go through life as a puppet.
I left many times and returned many times hoping for a new a beautiful happy ending each time.
I knew that it was not right and not how a relationship should be, that is why I kept leaving and with the hope that some day I could sever these ties with the man I believed to be my true love (really the monster in my mind and subject of my nightmares)
I am happy to say with support and love of family, friends and co-workers, my church and my therapist and doctor. I am free...............
My plea is please do not turn your back or judge anyone that you know that suffers from an abusive relationship...they do not deserve it...they do not like it... and they need to know that you love them and you are there. The abusers aim is to alienate the victim from family, friends etc.
If I did not know that I had people that cared I probably would be dead now.
They were always my light and hope during the really bad times and they were there when I finally broke the chains of abuse and started to mend my heart, kindle the fire in my spirit and heal my shattered soul. My love and gratitude especially to my mama, my daughter, my son, my grandbabies for their unconditional love, my sister, my brother, my niece and nephew, My best friend, my Doctor, my therapist, and to Sweet Jane for her awesome spirit and generosity, Lynda for carrying my workload, My Boss Mel for her patience and understanding, Leah for listening and my sweet Mama Kathleen for just being there.
So was he my true love or the monster in mind...
My true love would treat me as a human being and care and protect me. We would be partners in life and have great adventures and go through lifes trial, tribulations and successes together..He would be a stand up guy and not let his afflictions affect his love. He would make amends and not blame his love or those around him for his shortcomings and demons he possesses. He would be an honorable man. He would be a man of his word.
So no he was not my true love.. I believed him to be... He is the source of great sorrow, misery and trauma and he is "The Monster in my Mind"
Thanks to God that I am free of the bad choice in life I made.
