Today while I was driving to work there was a motorcycle rider in front of me for many miles.. I noticed that everytime another motorcyclist passed on the opposite lane they acknowledged each other. They did not wave, they just lowered there hand and stuck it out a little bit. I observed this 3 different times while he was in front of me. I thought how cool is that.. they have like a brotherhood... they feel each other and know what each goes through as a motorcyclist. They have alot in common like the thrill of the ride, or wind in their hair and the feeling of freedom.. they also have the downside of drivers not seeing them in their mirrors, bugs in their teeth, and wearing leather and helmet on a hot California day. They were not prejudice as far as only Harley riders acknowledged each other. The
My favorite show ever is "Sons of Anarchy" . Probably for some of the reasons I stated above. The connection they have to each other and the compassion they have (even though it is criminal and anarchist) with each other.
So I believe that all of us women, that have suffered and are suffering withe "Pause" (shhhhh menopause") or if you have someone near and dear to you that is going through the "Pause" and feel the repercussions and ramifications of it. We should feel the comradery and compassion of the road and journey we are on.
Yesterday at work, the air conditioner was set and running 70 degrees. Nice comfortable temperature. I looked around and noticed 3 women with their own personal fans blowing directly on them and then there were 2 other women with their sweaters on.... ummmm! As for me, my personal fan was on high blowing right at my sweaty forehead... everyday...all day..8 hours.
Then on my chair I have an old sweater draped across my chair... just in case!
Wouldn't it be cool if we had a way to acknowledge each other..like the motorcyclists acknowledge each other.. How about a secret handshake? Nah.. How about a wink?...Nah..
I think the title "Daughters of Anarchy" is perfect... We are a breed of our own, travelling a new road and journey in our life.. and our bodies are just reaking Anarchy on us right now.. So I feel you Sister and as a Daughter of Anarchy.. I can't wait to see what's down the road and get to the end of the journey ... What's on the other side of this Anarchy?
Showing posts with label woman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label woman. Show all posts
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
True Love vs Monster in my Mind
Since my last post my world has tremendously changed. 3 days after Christmas 2009 I fled my home and world as I knew it with only the clothes on my back and a backpack of stuff quickly thrown together.
To make a long story short I was fleeing from a very abusive relationship.
This day I do not know why was the ending point or starting point however I choose to see it. I lived with my true love I believed to be, for 5 years.
I suffered 5 years of physical, emotional and mental abuse. I am not writing this to ask for pity. I have begun a new life and new journey and I am stronger for it. Don't get me wrong, I still suffer from nightmares, anxiety and all that other stuff. But I am taking steps to move on and move forward that is the part I am proud of.
My message in this is to my family, friends and loved ones that stood by me.
They suffer right along with the victim while this is going on. Often times not understanding. Most people say " Well she deserves it she keeps going back or she is still there" or " She must like the punishment"
Or some people turn their back on you because of the abusive relationship you are in and do not want part of it.
Let me explain so maybe more people will understand. Most abusers do not show their true colors until a relationship has been established. By that time you are in love, made financial commitments together, set up a home or made plans for the future.
After the abusive episode, the abuser is very concillatory and contrite and begs your forgiveness and is very loving and attentive. Literally, back to the man you fell in love. So you forgive and believe they will change. Then the cycle begins.....
After a couple eruptions of violence and suffering abuse and trauma from who you thought is your true love.... Your spirit begins to die and fade...
you take it... you give up... your ashamed.. you do whatever you can to prevent it from happening again. Constantly walking on egg shells.
Your spirit is fading, your soul is shattered...your ego is the size of an ant and you are ashamed. You literally do not have the strength or the will to make a change or move on.. You go through life as a puppet.
I left many times and returned many times hoping for a new a beautiful happy ending each time.
I knew that it was not right and not how a relationship should be, that is why I kept leaving and with the hope that some day I could sever these ties with the man I believed to be my true love (really the monster in my mind and subject of my nightmares)
I am happy to say with support and love of family, friends and co-workers, my church and my therapist and doctor. I am free...............
My plea is please do not turn your back or judge anyone that you know that suffers from an abusive relationship...they do not deserve it...they do not like it... and they need to know that you love them and you are there. The abusers aim is to alienate the victim from family, friends etc.
If I did not know that I had people that cared I probably would be dead now.
They were always my light and hope during the really bad times and they were there when I finally broke the chains of abuse and started to mend my heart, kindle the fire in my spirit and heal my shattered soul. My love and gratitude especially to my mama, my daughter, my son, my grandbabies for their unconditional love, my sister, my brother, my niece and nephew, My best friend, my Doctor, my therapist, and to Sweet Jane for her awesome spirit and generosity, Lynda for carrying my workload, My Boss Mel for her patience and understanding, Leah for listening and my sweet Mama Kathleen for just being there.
So was he my true love or the monster in mind...
My true love would treat me as a human being and care and protect me. We would be partners in life and have great adventures and go through lifes trial, tribulations and successes together..He would be a stand up guy and not let his afflictions affect his love. He would make amends and not blame his love or those around him for his shortcomings and demons he possesses. He would be an honorable man. He would be a man of his word.
So no he was not my true love.. I believed him to be... He is the source of great sorrow, misery and trauma and he is "The Monster in my Mind"
Thanks to God that I am free of the bad choice in life I made.
To make a long story short I was fleeing from a very abusive relationship.
This day I do not know why was the ending point or starting point however I choose to see it. I lived with my true love I believed to be, for 5 years.
I suffered 5 years of physical, emotional and mental abuse. I am not writing this to ask for pity. I have begun a new life and new journey and I am stronger for it. Don't get me wrong, I still suffer from nightmares, anxiety and all that other stuff. But I am taking steps to move on and move forward that is the part I am proud of.
My message in this is to my family, friends and loved ones that stood by me.
They suffer right along with the victim while this is going on. Often times not understanding. Most people say " Well she deserves it she keeps going back or she is still there" or " She must like the punishment"
Or some people turn their back on you because of the abusive relationship you are in and do not want part of it.
Let me explain so maybe more people will understand. Most abusers do not show their true colors until a relationship has been established. By that time you are in love, made financial commitments together, set up a home or made plans for the future.
After the abusive episode, the abuser is very concillatory and contrite and begs your forgiveness and is very loving and attentive. Literally, back to the man you fell in love. So you forgive and believe they will change. Then the cycle begins.....
After a couple eruptions of violence and suffering abuse and trauma from who you thought is your true love.... Your spirit begins to die and fade...
you take it... you give up... your ashamed.. you do whatever you can to prevent it from happening again. Constantly walking on egg shells.
Your spirit is fading, your soul is shattered...your ego is the size of an ant and you are ashamed. You literally do not have the strength or the will to make a change or move on.. You go through life as a puppet.
I left many times and returned many times hoping for a new a beautiful happy ending each time.
I knew that it was not right and not how a relationship should be, that is why I kept leaving and with the hope that some day I could sever these ties with the man I believed to be my true love (really the monster in my mind and subject of my nightmares)
I am happy to say with support and love of family, friends and co-workers, my church and my therapist and doctor. I am free...............
My plea is please do not turn your back or judge anyone that you know that suffers from an abusive relationship...they do not deserve it...they do not like it... and they need to know that you love them and you are there. The abusers aim is to alienate the victim from family, friends etc.
If I did not know that I had people that cared I probably would be dead now.
They were always my light and hope during the really bad times and they were there when I finally broke the chains of abuse and started to mend my heart, kindle the fire in my spirit and heal my shattered soul. My love and gratitude especially to my mama, my daughter, my son, my grandbabies for their unconditional love, my sister, my brother, my niece and nephew, My best friend, my Doctor, my therapist, and to Sweet Jane for her awesome spirit and generosity, Lynda for carrying my workload, My Boss Mel for her patience and understanding, Leah for listening and my sweet Mama Kathleen for just being there.
So was he my true love or the monster in mind...
My true love would treat me as a human being and care and protect me. We would be partners in life and have great adventures and go through lifes trial, tribulations and successes together..He would be a stand up guy and not let his afflictions affect his love. He would make amends and not blame his love or those around him for his shortcomings and demons he possesses. He would be an honorable man. He would be a man of his word.
So no he was not my true love.. I believed him to be... He is the source of great sorrow, misery and trauma and he is "The Monster in my Mind"
Thanks to God that I am free of the bad choice in life I made.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Effects
Wow!!! Is all I can say about my response I received on my inagural blog. Thank you for all responses and advice and love offered.
Let me explain why I started this blog/journal... I am 51 years old and damn proud of it. I have earned and paid for every year I have been on this Earth... I am not scared of growing older, I want to embrace whatever is to come in my life and savor it all. However... when I am just beginning to go through these changes mentally and await the next stage of my life along comes the "True Change of Life" .. So now what the Hell!
I am 51 years old and proud to say it. I am not the new "40" or the new anything. I feel that the "The Change of Life" is not for me, I listen to Jimi Hendrix, Rage against the Machine. I wear Levi's and tank tops and wear Cobian sandals. I can dance my ass to most music and I don't care who is watching. I love the UFC (Chuck Liddell), Chargers Football and Nascar (#48) Jimmie Johnson.. and Yankees Baseball. I can shoot tequila with the best of them and I make a mean cup of tea.... I have hiked miles in a Rain Forest in Puerto Rico, swam in the Atlantic & Carribean Ocean in the same day (50th birthday present from my sweet man) I look forward to going back to the Grand Canyon with my man and hike Bright Angel Trail and camp under the stars. To whiteraft on the Mighty Colorado River and then some day camp under the Great Redwoods and Sequoias. Returning to Puerto Rico and exploring the other side of the RainForest and learning to snorkel .drinking lots of Rum and eating Mofongo.
I by no means have given up or am sad about what is going on inside me. I just want to understand it. Why ? How long? When? What the Hell?
Why am I sweating so profusely and no one else around me is? Why do I just blurt out whatever is on my mind and am shocked as hell after I said it? One minute I am happy as a clam , the next I am bawling like a baby..
Why is my skin changing? Why does my make up look different on me? I have no patience whatsoever.... I forget where I have parked my car, what I was going to the refrigerator for, why I came into this room... Where the Hell are my keys? Charging my cell phone are you kidding?
What is this poison that wells up inside of me? Where are these tears coming from ?
I have lit a million candles, drank hot tea and practiced yoga and walked till my feet are blistered... sorry but it did not help. I will still do this though cause if you know me that is me... Candles, tea and Patchouli.
Am I supposed to be learning something from this experience? Is this a form of purgatory ? When all this is over and " The Change of Life" has taken place will I be different.. Is this where I find wisdom and maybe some common sense?
Thanks for your love and support. Please follow my blog and my journey so I do not feel like I am in this alone. Comments appreciated. Click the envelope below.
Today I continue my quest for wisdom and common sense.. The Pause and Effects of it all..
Let me explain why I started this blog/journal... I am 51 years old and damn proud of it. I have earned and paid for every year I have been on this Earth... I am not scared of growing older, I want to embrace whatever is to come in my life and savor it all. However... when I am just beginning to go through these changes mentally and await the next stage of my life along comes the "True Change of Life" .. So now what the Hell!
I am 51 years old and proud to say it. I am not the new "40" or the new anything. I feel that the "The Change of Life" is not for me, I listen to Jimi Hendrix, Rage against the Machine. I wear Levi's and tank tops and wear Cobian sandals. I can dance my ass to most music and I don't care who is watching. I love the UFC (Chuck Liddell), Chargers Football and Nascar (#48) Jimmie Johnson.. and Yankees Baseball. I can shoot tequila with the best of them and I make a mean cup of tea.... I have hiked miles in a Rain Forest in Puerto Rico, swam in the Atlantic & Carribean Ocean in the same day (50th birthday present from my sweet man) I look forward to going back to the Grand Canyon with my man and hike Bright Angel Trail and camp under the stars. To whiteraft on the Mighty Colorado River and then some day camp under the Great Redwoods and Sequoias. Returning to Puerto Rico and exploring the other side of the RainForest and learning to snorkel .drinking lots of Rum and eating Mofongo.
I by no means have given up or am sad about what is going on inside me. I just want to understand it. Why ? How long? When? What the Hell?
Why am I sweating so profusely and no one else around me is? Why do I just blurt out whatever is on my mind and am shocked as hell after I said it? One minute I am happy as a clam , the next I am bawling like a baby..
Why is my skin changing? Why does my make up look different on me? I have no patience whatsoever.... I forget where I have parked my car, what I was going to the refrigerator for, why I came into this room... Where the Hell are my keys? Charging my cell phone are you kidding?
What is this poison that wells up inside of me? Where are these tears coming from ?
I have lit a million candles, drank hot tea and practiced yoga and walked till my feet are blistered... sorry but it did not help. I will still do this though cause if you know me that is me... Candles, tea and Patchouli.
Am I supposed to be learning something from this experience? Is this a form of purgatory ? When all this is over and " The Change of Life" has taken place will I be different.. Is this where I find wisdom and maybe some common sense?
Thanks for your love and support. Please follow my blog and my journey so I do not feel like I am in this alone. Comments appreciated. Click the envelope below.
Today I continue my quest for wisdom and common sense.. The Pause and Effects of it all..
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
"The Pause"
Definition of "The Pause" - a cessation of activity because of doubt or uncertainty; a momentary hesitation...This term came about lovingly and laughingly to describe myself at this time and stage of my life and those dear ones that are living through it with me. The term "The Pause" is used as term of explanation of my momentary cessations of brain activity, daydreaming, lapses of judgment and every ache and pain you can imagine. It is the only explanation I can give to my very patient and loving fiancee' for my actions or lack of . All I have to tell him is with my shoulders shrugged is " The Pause" and that is explanation enough. I am 51 years old and very menopausal.
It has taken me quite awhile to be able to even acknowledge the word, or the thought of 'The Pause" (menopause) in relation to myself or my world as I knew it. That word is for old ladies, grey hair, polyester pants, AARP card holder, rocking chairs.........
Definition in the dictionary of menopause- noun Physiology.
1.
the period of permanent cessation of menstruation, usually occurring between the ages of 45 and 55.
I wish it was as simple as the description makes it sound.
But I feel that I am in for quite a journey, including my loved ones that will be on this wild ride with me. Please any and all input, advice,guidance etc. will be appreciated and read and taken with a grain of salt. Join me on this journey in my life and the paths it will take me on. I have to be honest I am scared to death and excited... Explain that ! (shoulders shrugged) "The Pause"
Sandy
It has taken me quite awhile to be able to even acknowledge the word, or the thought of 'The Pause" (menopause) in relation to myself or my world as I knew it. That word is for old ladies, grey hair, polyester pants, AARP card holder, rocking chairs.........
Definition in the dictionary of menopause- noun Physiology.
1.
the period of permanent cessation of menstruation, usually occurring between the ages of 45 and 55.
I wish it was as simple as the description makes it sound.
But I feel that I am in for quite a journey, including my loved ones that will be on this wild ride with me. Please any and all input, advice,guidance etc. will be appreciated and read and taken with a grain of salt. Join me on this journey in my life and the paths it will take me on. I have to be honest I am scared to death and excited... Explain that ! (shoulders shrugged) "The Pause"
Sandy
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