Daughters of Anarchy

Today while I was driving to work there was a motorcycle rider in front of me for many miles.. I noticed that everytime another motorcyclist passed on the opposite lane they acknowledged each other. They did not wave, they just lowered there hand and stuck it out a little bit. I observed this 3 different times while he was in front of me. I thought how cool is that.. they have like a brotherhood... they feel each other and know what each goes through as a motorcyclist. They have alot in common like the thrill of the ride, or wind in their hair and the feeling of freedom.. they also have the downside of drivers not seeing them in their mirrors, bugs in their teeth, and wearing leather and helmet on a hot California day. They were not prejudice as far as only Harley riders acknowledged each other. The
My favorite show ever is "Sons of Anarchy" . Probably for some of the reasons I stated above. The connection they have to each other and the compassion they have (even though it is criminal and anarchist) with each other.
So I believe that all of us women, that have suffered and are suffering withe "Pause" (shhhhh menopause") or if you have someone near and dear to you that is going through the "Pause" and feel the repercussions and ramifications of it. We should feel the comradery and compassion of the road and journey we are on.
Yesterday at work, the air conditioner was set and running 70 degrees. Nice comfortable temperature. I looked around and noticed 3 women with their own personal fans blowing directly on them and then there were 2 other women with their sweaters on.... ummmm! As for me, my personal fan was on high blowing right at my sweaty forehead... everyday...all day..8 hours.
Then on my chair I have an old sweater draped across my chair... just in case!
Wouldn't it be cool if we had a way to acknowledge each other..like the motorcyclists acknowledge each other.. How about a secret handshake? Nah.. How about a wink?...Nah..
I think the title "Daughters of Anarchy" is perfect... We are a breed of our own, travelling a new road and journey in our life.. and our bodies are just reaking Anarchy on us right now.. So I feel you Sister and as a Daughter of Anarchy.. I can't wait to see what's down the road and get to the end of the journey ... What's on the other side of this Anarchy?

True Love vs Monster in my Mind

Since my last post my world has tremendously changed. 3 days after Christmas 2009 I fled my home and world as I knew it with only the clothes on my back and a backpack of stuff quickly thrown together.
To make a long story short I was fleeing from a very abusive relationship.
This day I do not know why was the ending point or starting point however I choose to see it. I lived with my true love I believed to be, for 5 years.
I suffered 5 years of physical, emotional and mental abuse. I am not writing this to ask for pity. I have begun a new life and new journey and I am stronger for it. Don't get me wrong, I still suffer from nightmares, anxiety and all that other stuff. But I am taking steps to move on and move forward that is the part I am proud of.

My message in this is to my family, friends and loved ones that stood by me.
They suffer right along with the victim while this is going on. Often times not understanding. Most people say " Well she deserves it she keeps going back or she is still there" or " She must like the punishment"
Or some people turn their back on you because of the abusive relationship you are in and do not want part of it.

Let me explain so maybe more people will understand. Most abusers do not show their true colors until a relationship has been established. By that time you are in love, made financial commitments together, set up a home or made plans for the future.
After the abusive episode, the abuser is very concillatory and contrite and begs your forgiveness and is very loving and attentive. Literally, back to the man you fell in love. So you forgive and believe they will change. Then the cycle begins.....
After a couple eruptions of violence and suffering abuse and trauma from who you thought is your true love.... Your spirit begins to die and fade...
you take it... you give up... your ashamed.. you do whatever you can to prevent it from happening again. Constantly walking on egg shells.
Your spirit is fading, your soul is shattered...your ego is the size of an ant and you are ashamed. You literally do not have the strength or the will to make a change or move on.. You go through life as a puppet.
I left many times and returned many times hoping for a new a beautiful happy ending each time.
I knew that it was not right and not how a relationship should be, that is why I kept leaving and with the hope that some day I could sever these ties with the man I believed to be my true love (really the monster in my mind and subject of my nightmares)
I am happy to say with support and love of family, friends and co-workers, my church and my therapist and doctor. I am free...............

My plea is please do not turn your back or judge anyone that you know that suffers from an abusive relationship...they do not deserve it...they do not like it... and they need to know that you love them and you are there. The abusers aim is to alienate the victim from family, friends etc.
If I did not know that I had people that cared I probably would be dead now.
They were always my light and hope during the really bad times and they were there when I finally broke the chains of abuse and started to mend my heart, kindle the fire in my spirit and heal my shattered soul. My love and gratitude especially to my mama, my daughter, my son, my grandbabies for their unconditional love, my sister, my brother, my niece and nephew, My best friend, my Doctor, my therapist, and to Sweet Jane for her awesome spirit and generosity, Lynda for carrying my workload, My Boss Mel for her patience and understanding, Leah for listening and my sweet Mama Kathleen for just being there.

So was he my true love or the monster in mind...
My true love would treat me as a human being and care and protect me. We would be partners in life and have great adventures and go through lifes trial, tribulations and successes together..He would be a stand up guy and not let his afflictions affect his love. He would make amends and not blame his love or those around him for his shortcomings and demons he possesses. He would be an honorable man. He would be a man of his word.
So no he was not my true love.. I believed him to be... He is the source of great sorrow, misery and trauma and he is "The Monster in my Mind"
Thanks to God that I am free of the bad choice in life I made.

" I met a Princess"

I can say I met a Princess. This last Saturday, my sweet cousin was married to the love of her life. It truly felt like a magical day. I cried the moment the music started playing and I lost count how many times afterward throughout the whole event. Marina is very special to me, and I watched her closely all day and throughout the evening. I wanted to remember everything from her day... She smiled, cried and laughed all day and into the night. She looked gorgeous very regal. I was thinking for a couple of hours what am I going to say to her I want it to be special, so she will remember what I had to say and cause I love her so. When I finally was able to get to her and get her attention we hugged and cried and I looked in her eyes and told her " You are more beautiful than Snow White". Anyone that knows me, knows what Snow White means to me. Snow White is the essence of perfection, beauty and happiness to me. Her response to my remark is what I had hoped. She drew in her breath and she said "That means so much, I know how much you love Snow White."
She was truly a Princess this day and she would look at her husband (now) and have such love in her eyes , her Prince Charming.
The day was very happy and joyous. We danced, sang, laughed, cried, cheered for the Angels Baseball team and gave each other lots of love.
Did not matter how old we are or how old we felt, dreams do come true and love is real and happiness is to be found, and Joy is right there with it. I found it on this day and will remember always. I was in the presence of royalty and I witnessed a fairy tale.
So I can say with all honesty I met a Princess.... Snow White does Live!!!!!!!! May all your hopes and dreams come true My sweet Marina..

"The Other Side of Life"

Would you like to know a secret just between you and me
I don't know where I'm going next, I don't know who I'm gonna be
But that's the other side of this life I've been leading
That's the other side of this life.

Well my whole world's in an uproar, my whole world's upside down
I don"t know where I'm going next, but I'm always bumming around
And that's another side to this life I've been leading
And that's another side to this life

Well I don't know what doing for half the time, I don't know where I'm going
I think I'll get me a sailing boat and sail the Gulf of Mexico
But that's another side of this life I've been leading
And that's another side of this life

Well I think I'll go to Nashville down in Tennesse
The ten cent life I've been leading here gonna be the death of me
But that's the other side of this life I've been leading
And that's another side to this life

Would you like to know a secret just between you and me
I don't know where I'm going next, I don't know who I'm gonna be
But that's the other side of this life I've been leading
But that's the other side of this life.

Lyrics to Jefferson's Airplane "The Other Side of this Life"

That is what I feel like right now... Which side of life am I on. Kind of in limbo..
In a state of flux... Don't know where I am going next.
I was talking to a family member the other day and she said she liked my diary. Why did I choose this subject? I told her that I thought that there just had to be something more to this. A deeper meaning... or change or ...
I have answer now. I am curious to find out what is on the other side of this life. What is in store for me after all this craziness, and side effects etc. are gone. I want to know. I hope that I am wiser, and less anxious and learn to look forward to everyday and handle all situations with grace and dignity. I want to teach my daughter and my grand-daughter not to be afraid of what is to come, as a woman.... to embrace it and learn from it and be wise in the end of it all.
I do believe I am on a journey to another side of life. Just a real bumpy road getting there... God sure lets us know that a change is coming.

"Would you like to know a secret just between you and me
I don't know where I'm going next, I don't know who I'm gonna be
But that's the other side of this life I've been leading"

We are only promised this here and now.

Last night my other half got his feelings hurt by my curt response to a question he asked. I did not even realize that I had said it and no intention of being curt. I have noticed that about myself, as life goes on. I seem to say things without thought and sometimes am surprised on what I say. But I am finding it is really what was on my mind and sometimes in my heart. I just have an easier time saying it now. No buffers. Ummmmm... I kind of like it. Don't get me wrong, I don't like hurting peoples feelings, but now I am finally saying what I feel, instead of making everything nice and rosy. So now I just need to tone it down a bit, or not. But where does this come from and why now? Why not before? I think about that I wonder, alot of things would have been different for me if I did not care so much, or if I was a little more curt sometimes or if I had the mind set to say what was really on my mind. But now, for whatever reason, I am able to do so.. I have no what if's on my mind, no ache in my heart, or could of would of, should of thoughts.
Maybe peri-menopause or "The Pause" symptoms comes at the wrong time in life. If this would have happened to me earlier....who knows what route my life would have taken.
But I am here at this crossroad, I really like this journey... don't understand it... but I guess that is the fun of it. But this I have learned...Do not wait to speak what is on your mind or in your heart. So if I haven't told you lately I appreciate you, I do. I care what you think, I honor our friendship and cherish my family. We are only promised this here and now....

You Too!

The more I write and speak of my "change of life" journey, friends, family and people I barely know have been very encouraging and have some tidbit of advice or a hug saying I will be ok.
I know that I will be ok.. but I am on a search I know there has to be more to this .. Thus the name "Change of Life" I feel mine changing and morphing into a different chapter of my life.
The symptoms and effects of "the Pause" are only a part of it I believe...
A few people have come up to me or written and said "you too" you feel like this or that, so do I !
I thought I was the only one, I thought there was something wrong with me, I would cry at the drop of a hat or snap someones head off or start sweating when no one else was, feel anxious when all is ok in my life. I have found that I am not the only one.. I am not crazy!
One thing I have noticed is that now my life has quieted down some, at least from the stand point of raising kids and sports and band practice , now they are doing it with their babies. I have more time on my hands and more time on my mind... thus the old demons and poison or bad things that happened along time ago are percolating and trying to boil over. I had to suppress cuz I had no time for me to deal with, or I did not want too. They are trying their best to present themselves again... this time I have time and I am grown and a little more mature ... I think I will slay these demons now one by one as the strong woman I am and have always been... Its in my blood, it is inherited from many beautiful women in my family and in my life... let the poison spill out and the demons present there self and open the ugly closet with the skeletons.
My Grandson Sammie is 3 yrs. old and I have a little compass on my keychain I picked up somewhere, he asked me "What is this Grandma?" I said " it is a compass so we don't get lost buddy boy" then he stated with a very comforting voice " don't be scared Grandma...were not lost we are at Sonia's " So I will remember this when I feel blue, or demons feel like they are winning or life is overwhelming "Don't be scared Grandma we are not lost" Thanks Buddy Boy Grandma is not scared!

Counting Stars

This last week was Spring break for my grandchildren. I had the immense honor of spending everyday with them. My daughter would drop them off early morning and the fun would begin and memories made. They would not settle for cereal in the morning as they would say " you are the Grandma, you need to cook us something" so we always started with an awesome breakfast. I live on a property that has quite a few acres of land and very rural and there is a running creek in front of my house . So needless to say we hiked the hillsides(we all have our favorite walking sticks) and actually ran into a king snake, we played in the creek for hours. We caught alot of bugs, some frogs and a couple of small fish and kept them for awhile in old butter containers and coffee cans.. Lots of rocks added to my collection We were bit by plenty of bugs and we figured out the mud from the creek would soothe our bites for awhile. We were scared to death of touching the stinging nettle plants and the poison oak.. We ate wild celery from the creekside and made boats out of leaves, bark and celery string and had boat races. We played on the lawn in the front yard and ran through the sprinkler with the boom box blasting in the background. Planted their first flower garden and figured out quick they do not like pulling weeds. My favorite was laying on an old sheet on the lawn and looking at the sky while we were talking and cracking up.

At the end of the day would have a Tea party or Teef party as the three year old grandson says. The menu would consist of mint tea, cookies and fresh fruit. The tea was served on my front deck, I used the linens given to me by my Grandma and I used the Violet flowered tea set I bought at the Thrift store. I tried to teach them to take their time and savor the tea and the refreshments and the company of each other and savor the moment. I know that I savored every moment...

You know we all have times in our lives that are dear and special to us, that we will always remember. This last week is one of those times for me. Those memories you go back to in your mind and bring a smile to your face and gleam in your eye and good ache in your heart.

One of the effects of the pause (menopause) that does not bother me and I actually can tolerate well is the effect of daydreaming, blank looking face, seem not to be there, staring off into nowhere in the middle of a conversation or working. If you must know the truth my mind is somewhere, it is at a moment in time where I choose it to be. A savored picture or memory or feeling from a past or present time. My true love asks me all the time " Are you off counting stars again?" Yes my love.... I am off counting stars again, but please don't let it upset you or worry you. Too be honest off counting stars is a very nice place to be. I love you!